Navigating the older teen world

[Reachforthestars]

How do you all do this? My child is 19 with a partner of 6 months, call them ‘C’. My child will spend 3/4 nights at ‘C’s house at a time, but I struggle with knowing what’s best from our end. I have another child with s/n who find it very hard to have people in the house as it is their safe space. I don’t want C to feel unwelcome, but I’m trying to balance our family’s needs with eldest child and C. 

I never had sleepovers with my partner at this age, would never have occurred to me to even ask my parents, so this is all new to me.  

[little lion]

Would it help to say C can only stay here on say Friday and Tuesday nights? Certainty for everyone? And explain to your older kid why you’ve put that limit on in case they misunderstand it to be a reflection of how you feel about C. 

[Bucket]

1 hour ago, little lion said:

Would it help to say C can only stay here on say Friday and Tuesday nights? Certainty for everyone? And explain to your older kid why you’ve put that limit on in case they misunderstand it to be a reflection of how you feel about C. 

Establishing some sort of certainty is a great idea. But for a partner of 6 months, I'd also be explaining it to C directly. C has been around for a while, and must know that your younger kid has some SN by now. It would be worth just giving a brief overview so they understand how to manage any interactions, and understand why there are limitations.

[Kiwi Bicycle]

Also what other things can do you do that are not so stressful? Is a standing Sunday night dinner offer acceptable ( they let you know if they are attending, but they know Sunday night dinner is always available?). It doesn't mean they stay over together, but allows everyone to catch up.

I know when I moved out of home, Sunday night dinner at my parents was great.

[Prancer]

I think it is important to be clear on why you don’t want him staying.  I get some of it is the sibling, but I imagine there are other reasons too - wanting your own space, not wanting them together constantly, wanting your child also to spend time with her friends.?

I reckon it is better to own it rather than placing blame on sibling.  It can lead to resentment.  I would actually go the opposite way about it - explain to your eldest that C gets upset with people in the house and wants to minimise it.  But it is her home too and you want to get to know her partner and are okay with it.  However, as a family you want to make sure you still have family time, she spends time with friends and catches up on sleep, so you are happy for x number of nights.  
 

And if it helps C, make them fixed and on nights it has the least impact.

If you don’t want them, you don’t have to.  It is hard if she is already having them at the partners place though.

[seemingly]

I agree with @little lion regarding a routine for your younger child with special needs so that it is fair for everyone involved. So then your younger child knows C is coming over every Tuesday night or whenever.

[Willa May]

I am in a similar situation @Reachforthestars, DD who is 19 and joint at the hip to her boyfriend. She stays at his house a lot because she only has a single bed here, I am your other child with SN. I don't cope with people in my house. I HATE cooking for other people. I hate not being able to be myself. I hate not knowing when he is staying over. 

If there was a routine, like @little lion suggested I would cope a LOT better. I like to know whats going on in advance and most of the time I don't know he's staying unless I ask my daughter while he is here "is poohead staying tonight?"

And to top it off, he wears really really REALLY strong fragrance and a LOT of it and it makes me physically ill, especially when my daughter is guilty of the same and I have both scents setting me off. They are both aware of my issues with fragrance but clearly don't GAF. But I don't want to ban him because I actually adore him and I want them to spend more time here. I would settle with structure and respect for my sensory issues. 

I am sure you have the same fear as me too, where this will be our way of life for a long time, cos kids aren't moving out at the age of 19 like we did back in our day. 

[Not Escapin Xmas]

I would also explain to younger child that C will be coming over more regularly. As @Willa May said, kids are moving out later, this situation could last for years. It's going to need some give and take on all sides.

[HypnicJerk]

No gems of advice but just my own little anecdote.

I am 5years younger than my sister.  Her boyfriend stayed over a lot when I was early teens.  I hated it.  We had a 1 toilet, 1 bathroom house, I was self-conscious about my body and I recall hating him being around, especially when I had my period.