STBG 2 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 Critical advice on someone's choice of make up is not the job of the 'village' unless it is asked for. Personal style is just that. I have hated some fashions, my parents hated some of mine but you know who is resentful, it is me for the criticism when I was finding my way but not my kids who were allowed to experiment and the truth is now they will laugh at themselves. This too will pass. I think bringing the need for a 'village' into this conversation is a bit of a stretch. 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolly_F Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 Its really not ok to make comments about someones choices regarding their looks (or really anything) just because your their parent or sibling. Just because your family does not make it ok! I am actually surprised that people are defending that. If any of our “village” thought it was ok to be critical of how my kids looked (or any other part of their lives) when they hadn’t been asked they would be out of the fold very quickly!! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prancer Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 So if the lipstick colour in question is the current fashion you are okay with it. But if your child has selected the colour herself then you are not okay with it? I am finding it difficult to make sense of this. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yogaalaates Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 What you do or don’t do with your appearance is your choice, and for many of us, it’s about self-expression. IDGAF how my kids look. We talk about clothes, makeup, hair being for you. It’s what makes you feel happy, and feel like yourself. How much happier would people be if it was safe to wear what you wanted without fear of criticism? All I want for my kids is that they hopefully grow into good, kind adults. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basil Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 1 hour ago, Jolly_F said: Its really not ok to make comments about someones choices regarding their looks (or really anything) just because your their parent or sibling. Just because your family does not make it ok! I am actually surprised that people are defending that. What if the comment was, "hey, I love that lipstick shade, it looks great on you"? It's still an unsolicited comment about their looks. It's still just my opinion. Somehow, that's more socially acceptable? 39 minutes ago, Prancer said: So if the lipstick colour in question is the current fashion you are okay with it. But if your child has selected the colour herself then you are not okay with it? I am finding it difficult to make sense of this. There's two parts to it. I am not a fan of the colour, so regardless of if it's in trend or not, I'm not a fan of it. That's my personal opinion and I'm not telling my DD she has to wear something else because I don't like it. We have differing tastes and that's perfectly fine. I would be weirded out if she tried to be a mini me. The second part is, she has had a daytime style and this lipstick is a deviation from that. It's only minor but I have noted it and if I see other outward signs of her changing, I'm going to initiate further questions to understand why that is. If she's just exploring her style and experimenting, that's cool if it's not destructive behaviour. If it's the influence of new friends, that's cool too but I will be hoping to find out more about these friends. @Kiwi Bicycle I would have no idea which YouTubers are 'on trend' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crombek Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 I don't think this is really about lipstick colour, is it? I'm assuming this is the first year your DD has been out of home? 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STBG 2 Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 When your just adult kid comes home with a tattoo and a nose ring then you'll know how hard it is to be kind. It puts colour of lipstick into perspective. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STBG 2 Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 47 minutes ago, Basil said: What if the comment was, "hey, I love that lipstick shade, it looks great on you"? It's still an unsolicited comment about their looks. It's still just my opinion. Somehow, that's more socially acceptable? Positive affirmations are always good IMO. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenflea Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 I would want to BUILD my kid's confidence and self worth, not reduce it and being negative about her appearance will NOT make her feel good about herself, at all. A new lipstick is hardly a sign of a deep depression or mental health woes, it's a lipstick FFS. If she STOPS caring for her appearance, and seems to be struggling in life generally, then a few polite non judgemental questions such as "How are you? What's new in your life?" are in order, not "Shit, that lipstick looked awful, are you ok???". 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Escapin Xmas Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 1 hour ago, Basil said: The second part is, she has had a daytime style and this lipstick is a deviation from that. It's only minor but I have noted it and if I see other outward signs of her changing, I'm going to initiate further questions to understand why that is. If she's just exploring her style and experimenting, that's cool if it's not destructive behaviour. If it's the influence of new friends, that's cool too but I will be hoping to find out more about these friends. Oh OP, I know it's really hard but you need to try to see her as another adult. She doesn't need managing. She is allowed to change without you questioning it. She will always be your baby, but now she's a grownup, you need to let her come to you if she needs you, not you go to her second guessing what she's doing/wearing/being friends with. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolly_F Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 1 hour ago, Basil said: What if the comment was, "hey, I love that lipstick shade, it looks great on you"? It's still an unsolicited comment about their looks. It's still just my opinion. Somehow, that's more socially acceptable? I know you are taking the piss but I will bite… of course it’s more socially acceptable because you are raising someone up, not shitting on them. I know it’s hard to parent adults (I am about to have my second) but you need to treat her like an adult, you do not offer random adults in your life unsolicited opinions (well I hope you don’t), so you should afford your own child the same respect! If she needs your input she will ask (if you have that kind of relationship). If you think she is struggling there is far better ways to make those enquiries with your kid than to criticise how they look and even then she may not want to tell you, so you respect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarciaB Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 OP when it comes to adult kids and their life choices - sometimes staying silent is perfectly acceptable. i honestly think that thoughts around makeup shades is one of those times. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimasa Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 Why do you find her changing up her style from what you are used to, to be a sign of something wrong? That's perfectly normal behaviour. Fashion changes, people grow from teens to young adults to more mature adults, change in style is part of that. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarciaB Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 Also wanted to add that I work with a bunch of young graduates. A strong red lip seems popular amongst many of them - especially on Fridays when they are heading out for drinks after work. Does everyone have the “right” shade? Probably not but I really admire the choice - I have never been brave enough to wear a red lippy… 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basil Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 1 hour ago, STBG 2 said: When your just adult kid comes home with a tattoo and a nose ring then you'll know how hard it is to be kind. It puts colour of lipstick into perspective. We've actually had that conversation She asked how I'd feel if she got a tattoo during Schoolies. I replied that although I don't want one myself, I can appreciate body art on others and it's her body and her choice. I then went onto doing her research and going to a reputable place with good hygiene practices. She had been asking for extra piercings for a few years and again, I said that it was something she could do herself once she is an adult and doesn't have to follow school uniform rules. 32 minutes ago, Jolly_F said: I know you are taking the piss but I will bite… of course it’s more socially acceptable because you are raising someone up, not shitting on them. No, I wasn't taking the piss. I'm finding the different perspectives quite interesting. I do find this societal application of this 'rule' to be hypocritical - you can share your opinion if you are in agreeance, but not if you disagree. It's how we end up with echo chambers and as a society it seems we can't respectfully disagree. It's very black and white of you're on my side or the other side. 1 hour ago, STBG 2 said: Positive affirmations are always good IMO. I don't think positive affirmations are always good if they're not based in truth or fact. I think they risk setting someone up for disappointment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bjh Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 9 minutes ago, Basil said: No, I wasn't taking the piss. I'm finding the different perspectives quite interesting. I do find this societal application of this 'rule' to be hypocritical - you can share your opinion if you are in agreeance, but not if you disagree. It's how we end up with echo chambers and as a society it seems we can't respectfully disagree. It's very black and white of you're on my side or the other side. I don't think positive affirmations are always good if they're not based in truth or fact. I think they risk setting someone up for disappointment. I’ve written above about my complex feelings on the rare occasions my mother has criticised my appearance. However, if she were to raise, sensitively and in my best interests, an aspect of my behaviour that she genuinely considered was affecting my wellbeing or that of people around me, I would be open to that conversation. I don’t want to hear trivial negativity from her unless I have asked for her views, but that’s different from sage counsel on important matters. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basil Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 10 minutes ago, Kimasa said: Why do you find her changing up her style from what you are used to, to be a sign of something wrong? That's perfectly normal behaviour. Fashion changes, people grow from teens to young adults to more mature adults, change in style is part of that. On its own, I don't think it's necessarily a sign of something wrong. I know a lipstick colour is quite a trivial matter. It's why I posted in the Beauty and Fashion sub group. I'm not a fan of the colour and I was checking to see what the current trends are for young people because I'm not a big user of SM so don't we what her peers are doing/wearing. I understand fashion changes and I have a massive wardrobe to reflect that. I know my outward style has often reflected my state of mind at that time. In responding to the comment about 'caring about who someone is and not how they look', I was trying to explain that I take note of these small things because it might give an indication of what's going on inside her. It might be that she's found a new level of self confidence and she's happily trying out new looks. If so, that's awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bjh Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 2 minutes ago, Basil said: On its own, I don't think it's necessarily a sign of something wrong. I know a lipstick colour is quite a trivial matter. It's why I posted in the Beauty and Fashion sub group. I'm not a fan of the colour and I was checking to see what the current trends are for young people because I'm not a big user of SM so don't we what her peers are doing/wearing. I understand fashion changes and I have a massive wardrobe to reflect that. I know my outward style has often reflected my state of mind at that time. In responding to the comment about 'caring about who someone is and not how they look', I was trying to explain that I take note of these small things because it might give an indication of what's going on inside her. It might be that she's found a new level of self confidence and she's happily trying out new looks. If so, that's awesome. I understand what you are saying. I can imagine seeing appearance changes (unwashed hair or unkempt clothes, for example) and trying to work out whether this is a new aesthetic (fine), a new prioritisation of effort (fine mostly) or a lack of self care indicating an issue (I want to gently ask some questions). But I can’t see lipstick choice ever rising to that level. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarciaB Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 I popped into Mecca at the end of my lunch break today and the young woman who served me was wearing orange (and I mean bright orange) blush. I was a bit taken aback as it was very striking. Mentioned it to a young grad at my office who confirmed that “sunset blush” is indeed a trend. There you go - I learnt a new makeup trend today. Perhaps OP there is a lipstick trend your dd is following! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STBG 2 Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 2 hours ago, Kimasa said: Why do you find her changing up her style from what you are used to, to be a sign of something wrong? That's perfectly normal behaviour. Fashion changes, people grow from teens to young adults to more mature adults, change in style is part of that. IME the first sign that my girls were not right was when they didn't care what they looked like. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenflea Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 But if she's wearing makeup that's showing some care in her looks, not wearing any when previously they did and not brushing hair etc is more of a sign than the wrong shade of lipstick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STBG 2 Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 10 hours ago, Jenflea said: But if she's wearing makeup that's showing some care in her looks, not wearing any when previously they did and not brushing hair etc is more of a sign than the wrong shade of lipstick. I was agreeing with this. When they don't shower, don't clean their teeth, brush their hair or come out of their bedroom it would be a red flag to me. Just putting lipstick on itself is self caring in my mind, the colour is irrelevant. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basil Posted June 8 Author Share Posted June 8 We are all unique human beings with individual personalities and traits. As a general rule, and to guide my response to people I'm not that close to, yes, I'd follow those rules of thumbs above. For my DD where I know her backstory, lipstick colour choice is something that has piqued my interest. No, I'm not going to barreling to her place demand to be let in and throw out her make up like some sort of deranged person But I am going to have a conversation about it. If it's nothing, I can rest easy and just enjoy it as fashion exploration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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